You Don't Choose Who You Fall In Love With
by Nancy J. Lisse
Summary: "You don't choose who you fall in love with," she had said years back, comforting Jane who had fallen in love with a murderer.  While her team believed she spoke out of empathy, she really spoke out of experience.  Spoilers/speculation for 6x17 and 6x18.
1. Chapter 1

Because I couldn't help myself, I had to do a piece on Emily's departure. It kills me that she's leaving, and I hope one day she comes back - even though that means her last episode will leave her storyline open-ended, and I would very much like some closure. But hey, I don't write for CBS and I guess I can live with a cliffy-ish ending to her storyline if that means she can return - that's what happened with Sara Sidle on CSI, and I'm so glad she's back.

Anyway, all of these chapters will be short, and my goal is to finish before next week's episode. And this was all inspired by one of Emily's lines from way back, which is subsequently the title of this story.

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**You Don't Choose Who You Fall In Love With**

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All her life she had been alone. Or at least it always felt that way. With her mother constantly on the move, there were only so many people she had the chance to get close to, before an entire country distanced them. Sometimes two. Sometimes even a continent.

But at least, in those times, she always had even just one person who she could count on. She had Matthew the longest, until he started to slip further and further away each day. And even in times of true crisis, she could turn to her mother. Politics aside, Emily was still her daughter. Blood ties are the hardest bonds to break.

But now? _Now_ is a new world entirely. _Now_ is the epitome of alone. An overwhelming sense of absolute isolation.

There's no one to call on for a helping hand, or to lend an ear while she poured her heart out. To listen and to hold her as she cried; to comfort her as she apologized to everyone she's ever hurt. If there was only someone to keep her on steady ground and whisper softly in her ear, "I love you".

But there isn't a soul.

Matthew is dead. And Tsia. Her team would face a similar fate if she even thought about exposing her past. This isn't their fight, and she'd be damned if she ever had to say she was responsible for the worst happening to any of them.

And what would she say to her mother? That she's about to dive headfirst into Hell's mouth with no promise of making it out alive. Or that she used to embrace a known murderer. Every. Day. She held his hand, _kissed_ him. Laid awake late at night, while he slept naked beside her.

Those are words better left unsaid.

As for Clyde, her colleague… her _friend_. He's nothing more than a double-crossing son of a bitch. A rat. And Emily would like nothing more than to send that bastard straight to hell. He's the reason Tsia is dead. He had been working for Doyle all along. While Tsia trusted him with her life, he was whispering sweet nothings into Doyle's ear. Tsia walked right into a setup, and she didn't walk out.

She considers, for a second, calling Sean. But she doesn't quite trust him anymore.

She doesn't trust anyone but the team members she left behind.

And that... that's all she has. Emily almost tears at the thought. It's a short list to begin with, and it's about to get a hell of a lot shorter.

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**To Be Continued...**

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Well, there you have it... a teaser of sorts? Please let me know if you'd like to see this continued. Hell, I'll post the rest of it anyway, but it'd be nice to hear you say it!

Jessalynn


	2. Chapter 2

Alright, here is chapter two. Thank you for my review/alerts.

All of these chapters will be short, and my goal is to finish before next week's episode. And this was all inspired by one of Emily's lines from way back, which is subsequently the title of this story.

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**You Don't Choose Who You Fall In Love With **

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The cold wind bites at her skin through her jacket; spring weather still struggling to overtake the winter chill. It's dark, which is perfect. If there's any chance to take Doyle by surprise, she wants to be hidden in the shadows – unseen and unheard. She has mere minutes before her team realizes she's missing from the building. And she needs to be far away from them before they do.

The city is on lockdown, searching for Doyle and his comrades.

_Useless_.

He's been out of the city for hours now. The old, abandoned warehouse, twenty-three miles, west, off the highway. He's waiting. Watching. He anticipates her arrival, knowing she will follow. But she doesn't need to follow a trail; Emily knows damn well where he is. Clyde made sure of that; after all, he selected the safe house himself, years ago.

"_If something goes wrong… anything at all, run. Run as fast as you can and don't look back. Just make it here and I'll do the rest. I'll protect you. I promise."_

Clyde's words echo in her head, as if it were yesterday. Her head resting on his shoulders as he wrapped his arms around her shivering frame, stroking her hair. The private jet sat motionless in the background awaiting her entry. After he let her go, he swore again to protect her. He would be following on the next jet, overseas to begin their deep undercover mission. Target – Ian Doyle.

Emily trusted him then. Trusted his words. But it's not uncommon for good to mingle with evil. And in the real world, it's not uncommon for evil to prevail. Doyle bartered with him, enticed him.

He gift-wrapped the apple and hand-delivered it to Adam. Nodding in approval as Adam took a bite.

Temptation can be a powerful thing. And Clyde succumbed – to greed, maybe. Or power.

But the 'why' doesn't matter. Emily will never let her guard down around him again. Will never swear by him again. Ever.

He is dead to her.

She only hopes she lives to see Doyle follow in his footsteps. Straight into Hell's warm embrace.

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**To Be Continued...**

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Thanks again for the response to the first chapter, I know I'm only giving you small chapters, but hang in there, there will be more.

Reviews are appreciated!

Jessalynn


	3. Chapter 3

Wowza! So I got a bunch of alerts for that last chapter. Thank you, and also for my reviewers.

All of these chapters will be short, and my goal is to finish before next week's episode. And this was all inspired by one of Emily's lines from way back, which is subsequently the title of this story.

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**You Don't Choose Who You Fall In Love With**

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The warmth of the heat blasting in her face stings her cold cheeks as she peels out of the parking lot and heads west. It isn't until she hits the bridge that she starts to cry. The salty tears streak freely down her face, and for once in her life, she doesn't wipe them away. She doesn't try to hide her pain by eliminating the evidence that has so blatantly taken up residence on her face.

To be honest, she's tired of hiding her feelings. She's tired of the compartmentalization bullshit.

When she first started tucking away the bad, the ugly, the _evil_, behind locked doors, her mind was young, fresh – it was ready to face the world full-force. Regardless of what was thrown at her. She knew that when one room became too full, she'd simply create another… and another. And another.

Easy, right?

But when she took those initial steps, those very first strides toward becoming the woman she is today, no one cautioned her. No one said - _be careful, love. It's only going to get harder. _Not a damn person warned her of danger those doors can be; of the weight they have to hold back. And over the years, the long, tumultuous years of Emily Prentiss' life, they've been weakening. Every day, a little bit more seeps steadily out of a crack. Then two cracks… then three.

Four.

Until finally, the dam breaks. In her mind it feels more like an explosion – fire searing behind her eyes, shrapnel embedding itself in her skull, her brain – it hurts to think, it hurts to _feel_.

It hurts to breathe.

There's no way she could have prepared herself for this – for the pain that comes along with remembering, with reliving the past. Demons have come back to haunt her before. But not like this. This is an ambush, and she is defenseless.

Emily welcomes the sensation the tears bring as they drip off the tip of her nose, off the edge of her strong jaw. It feels good, so _fucking _good, to let it all out.

She can barely recall the last time she's cried – like, _really_ cried. Her breaths come in short gasps, and go in small, erratic bursts. The sounds she emits are not ones that she recognizes as her own. They are foreign to her, and remind her of only one other time in her life – when she mourned for the loss of her baby. She was just a child herself. Weeping under layers of soft silk sheets and half a dozen stuffed animals, she prayed for the baby that would never be given the chance to live, because she was too young to bring such an innocent being into this world.

The floodgate's open now, wide open; jammed and she can't get it closed. It's all hit her so fast, like she'd been blindsided; she doesn't notice her car is drifting, into oncoming traffic.

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**To Be Continued...****

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Quite a different ending to this chapter huh?

Reviews are love!

Jessalynn


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you everyone who's been reading.

All of these chapters will be short, and my goal is to finish before next week's episode. And this was all inspired by one of Emily's lines from way back, which is subsequently the title of this story.

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**You Don't Choose Who You Fall In Love With**

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Blaring white lights flash in her face. The honking, loud and obnoxious – with good reason – startle her out of her thoughts. Jerking the wheel to the right, she straightens herself out.

She's a goddamn mess. A cold sweat mixes with her warm tears, her heart thrashing violently in her chest. Her mind in a fog.

As she approaches the next intersection, Emily finally wipes the tears from her eyes. But only because red and blue flashing lights blur in her vision.

Police cruisers, government-issued sedans and SUVs line the road. She's reached the outskirts of the city. Less than ten minutes from here, her destination awaits. After careful inspection, the two cars in front of her are allowed through the barricade. She rides her breaks to a stop as three uniformed officers approach her.

She rolls down her window and grabs for her badge that lies haphazardly on the passenger seat.

She has yet to toss it in the nearest trashcan.

The officer on the driver's side asks if they can conduct a quick search of her vehicle, and of course Emily doesn't object. Ian Doyle is not in her backseat.

_Just make it quick._

They check the hatchback and the rear seats. Satisfied, two of the officers head to the car waiting behind her.

It's not until the one at her window asks if she's alright, his flashlight nearly blinding her, that she damn near laughs out loud. Emotions are a screwy thing. She looks down at her hands – unconsciously picking at her nails again – and at the badge she's decided not to even bother showing the man.

"I'm fine officer, thank you. I'm just in some hot water with my ex."

_Nice Em._

And the award for 'Understatement of the Year' goes to…

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**To Be Continued...**

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My apologies for the super short chapter, but it just begged to be stopped there.

Feedback is appreciated!

Jessalynn


	5. Chapter 5

Well, here is the last (and longest) chapter! It's been fun. I cannot stress enough how I can't wait until tonight!

I met my goal to finish this by tonight's episode. So, woohoo! This was all inspired by one of Emily's lines from way back, which is subsequently the title of this story.

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**You Don't Choose Who You Fall In Love With**

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As the warehouse emerges from the darkness beyond her headlights, she quickly turns them off. Driving by only the light of the moon, the car continues to bump her around; she'd gone off road about a half a mile back. She parks just outside the rings of light the hanging lamps emit, shadowed by the night. Numerous other vehicles inhabit the small blacktopped area, which once served as the building's parking lot.

The cars and trucks are old, rusting. Neglected and forgotten. They hadn't been used in years, abandoned, along with the building. But there is one that doesn't belong. One car is shiny and new. Doyle is here, and he isn't trying to hide it.

But why would he? He's taunting her.

_I'm waiting for you, Lauren._

Emily closes the door quietly as she slips out into the cool air. Slinking to the trunk, she opens the hatchback and retrieves a gun from a secret compartment in the floor.

A huge gun. For emergencies only.

She'd have to say this is an emergency.

Her steps are silent, but quick – a lioness hunting her prey.

She's poised. Ready. But her brave exterior can't placate the nervousness engulfing her entire being. She sucks in cold air as she moves, clearing her mind, steadying her hands. Her brain is engaged in a tug-of-war, and her rational mind is winning – she might not make it out alive. Realization hits her. Hard. It does wonders for her already-rapid heart beat. But there's no turning back now.

It isn't until she moves under the harsh glow of a lamp that she hears a familiar voice.

"I wouldn't want to be doing that, Emily. Put the gun down."

_Clyde, you fucking asshole._

Their guns are in a standoff. Their eyes never break contact. Neither blinks. She ignores his demand. Instead, she makes one of her own.

"Where's Doyle?"

"Right here, love," is the response.

It's off to her right. It's menacing and cool, and it startles her. But she doesn't miss a beat; spinning on her heals, leveling her weapon at Doyle's chest.

He is illuminated under the lights as well, his shadow as still as he is. Emily can barely see his face, half hidden in the darkness. But she can almost _sense _his expression. She'd seen that look before – back when she was roughly being escorted off Doyle's property. She looked up at him, standing at the balcony, the beautiful villa standing proud in the background.

He had 'betrayal' written all over his face. Just as he does now.

She wonders, for a second, if every person who ever betrayed him received this look. Or was it special? Just for her? Just for a betrayal in _love._

His lip twitches.

_Did she catch a flicker of sadness?_

"Doyle – " she starts, but he cuts her off.

"Just tell me one thing…"

He takes a small step closer.

"Don't move!" she warns.

"Tell me, _Lauren_, is it so _wrong _for you to love me? Or was that all an act too?"

The question catches her off guard. But she can't say it's the first time that question ever crossed her mind. She thinks about it quite regularly. More so than she'd like to admit.

Is it wrong for her to love a known murderer? Because if she was completely, gut-wrenchingly honest, a part of her loved that man. Whether that part belonged to Lauren or Emily, she may never know.

She repeats it again in her head. And it's strikingly familiar. Jane – she loved a killer, a sociopath. She had asked the same question.

_Is it wrong?_

And Emily answered truthfully. While her team believed she spoke out of empathy, she really spoke out of experience.

"You don't choose who you fall in love with."

She says it because she might be able to barter for her life. She says it because, despite what she keeps telling herself, it holds truth.

She's been so lost in thought, she lets her guard down. Images of the past – of Jane, of Doyle, pass briefly through her mind. Words, sentences, clutter her brain, impeding on her focus. She's become too passive.

She doesn't hear the footsteps; doesn't feel the heat of his body until he's right up behind her – taser at her neck.

Clyde doesn't give her the chance to move, sending the electrical current coursing through her body.

She's been scared, terrified really, up until this point. At this point, it all starts to float away. On the brink of unconsciousness, her body goes limp, but never hits the ground. Strong arms envelop her and lift her effortlessly off the blacktop. Her mind starts to slow down, losing the fight with the impending darkness. She doesn't know if this is the end, but at this point, she accepts her fate. Whatever that fate may be.

This is her punishment. And she will take it, in silence.

XxXxX

"Confession is always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets and takes its own punishment in silence." – Dorothy Dix

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**Fin**

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I hope everyone enjoyed this story.

Thank you to everyone who alerted/favorited/reviewed this! I appreciate it so much!

Reviews are wonderful.

Jessalynn


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